Hi Y'all,
So in September when K came home for his R and R break from deployment he surprised me with an attorney and is suing me for divorce. What this means is I have to push pause! I can not write my feelings right now but I am hoping to get better at writing them in my journal and then typing them out here when I am done! So right now I am on hold, since everything can be used against me! Thank you for understanding!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
the thing i Miss!!
So I do have to admit there are a few things I miss.. The obvious human adult in constant companionship at night is big!
Other things: He would clean the lint holder in the dryer! I know weird but it freaks me out and I really miss him cleaning that after every load for me!!
Also taking the trash out. YES he actually did do ONE chore!!! He did take out the trash. Most times I had to ask, but he would take it out and I miss that!... Hence why there are usually 3 or 4 bags pilled at my front door, untill i just can't stand it and I take it out!!
So there are things that are missed...
Other things: He would clean the lint holder in the dryer! I know weird but it freaks me out and I really miss him cleaning that after every load for me!!
Also taking the trash out. YES he actually did do ONE chore!!! He did take out the trash. Most times I had to ask, but he would take it out and I miss that!... Hence why there are usually 3 or 4 bags pilled at my front door, untill i just can't stand it and I take it out!!
So there are things that are missed...
I hit the Day Care wall...
So after weeks or relying on family to help out, it has come time to do more of this journey on my own. Part of that is Lukas needs to go to Day Care/Preschool while I am in school...
There is of course more fear and anxiety on my part then on my son's. He has been ready for school since the time he knew what a yellow bus was! He is very excited. And I am too. But I also have fears and worries that won't go away except with time.
Back in 2006 when I got married and thought about having children, I was going to be a full time mommy!! I hated daycare as a child and I was/am projecting that onto Lukas... which is a huge NO NO!!! but hey we are all learning! I just wanted to be a stay at home mom.. I love being a mother and I have all the faith in the world that someday I will get to be at home with all my little ones, but for now, off to school for me and off to day care for Lukas. All I can do is think positive and be happy.
I was lucky to find an extraordinary preschool program at the college I attend, so Lukas will only be minutes away and he will be taught along with guidelines from the State! YAY for that.
There is of course more fear and anxiety on my part then on my son's. He has been ready for school since the time he knew what a yellow bus was! He is very excited. And I am too. But I also have fears and worries that won't go away except with time.
Back in 2006 when I got married and thought about having children, I was going to be a full time mommy!! I hated daycare as a child and I was/am projecting that onto Lukas... which is a huge NO NO!!! but hey we are all learning! I just wanted to be a stay at home mom.. I love being a mother and I have all the faith in the world that someday I will get to be at home with all my little ones, but for now, off to school for me and off to day care for Lukas. All I can do is think positive and be happy.
I was lucky to find an extraordinary preschool program at the college I attend, so Lukas will only be minutes away and he will be taught along with guidelines from the State! YAY for that.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sundays Sundays Sundays!!!
Oh boy... there are very few things in life that I put the word HATE too... Not even my S2BX gets this term!! But Sunday is a whole new bag of worms.
It isn't that I HATE everything about it... I just hate the frustration. Now this is, I am sure, true for ANY and ALL parents, but to be single and doing it is that much worse!!
Not only is my sweet and poor Lukas going through "daddy identity crisis" but he does not care for Sacrament Meeting.
* for my non LDS followers or soon to be followers, let me outline my Sundays!
First I attend an hour of Choir practice, where my son roams the meeting room pawning toys off other children or sitting with his favorite pal.
Then is an hour of Sacrament Meeting, which includes: talks, announcements, ward business and the most important part the Sacrament. The whole congregation is a part of this meeting, young and old, women and men, the quiet intent on listening and the loud who really don't care they just don't want to sit there any more!! (my son and nephews are this catagory!) And finally the embarrased parents who wonder the whole hour why the heck we do this! (I am in this catagory!)
Then off to Sunday School.. This is suppose to be my first break!! My son goes to Nursery where he is enriched by lessons of Jesus, snacks, Toys and music. I am suppose to get to an adult class where we study the Scriptures more indepth.... I say "suppose to" because lately I spend that hour: running to the bathroom with Lukas, trying to get him to stay in his class, making necessary Visiting Teaching appointments, and just taking a breath!
Likewise during the last hour of church is Relief Society/Priesthood. In RS I have a calling which means I have to be there for the music part. After conducting the opening song, I once again find myself running to the potty, wrestling with Lukas and doing a million other things!! all in time to be back for the closing song.
Sunday's are exhausting!!!
Sacrament is spent trying to get Lukas to sit still, fold his arms, and just plain not annoy or distrupt the people around him!! Then Sunday School and RS are spent trying to get him to the potty and then back to class.. Needless to say most Sundays I don't feel as if I have learned anything and also I am mentally and physically exhausted!!
So IF this is how your typical Sunday looks.. Don't be alarmed, YOU are NOT ALONE!!
It isn't that I HATE everything about it... I just hate the frustration. Now this is, I am sure, true for ANY and ALL parents, but to be single and doing it is that much worse!!
Not only is my sweet and poor Lukas going through "daddy identity crisis" but he does not care for Sacrament Meeting.
* for my non LDS followers or soon to be followers, let me outline my Sundays!
First I attend an hour of Choir practice, where my son roams the meeting room pawning toys off other children or sitting with his favorite pal.
Then is an hour of Sacrament Meeting, which includes: talks, announcements, ward business and the most important part the Sacrament. The whole congregation is a part of this meeting, young and old, women and men, the quiet intent on listening and the loud who really don't care they just don't want to sit there any more!! (my son and nephews are this catagory!) And finally the embarrased parents who wonder the whole hour why the heck we do this! (I am in this catagory!)
Then off to Sunday School.. This is suppose to be my first break!! My son goes to Nursery where he is enriched by lessons of Jesus, snacks, Toys and music. I am suppose to get to an adult class where we study the Scriptures more indepth.... I say "suppose to" because lately I spend that hour: running to the bathroom with Lukas, trying to get him to stay in his class, making necessary Visiting Teaching appointments, and just taking a breath!
Likewise during the last hour of church is Relief Society/Priesthood. In RS I have a calling which means I have to be there for the music part. After conducting the opening song, I once again find myself running to the potty, wrestling with Lukas and doing a million other things!! all in time to be back for the closing song.
Sunday's are exhausting!!!
Sacrament is spent trying to get Lukas to sit still, fold his arms, and just plain not annoy or distrupt the people around him!! Then Sunday School and RS are spent trying to get him to the potty and then back to class.. Needless to say most Sundays I don't feel as if I have learned anything and also I am mentally and physically exhausted!!
So IF this is how your typical Sunday looks.. Don't be alarmed, YOU are NOT ALONE!!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
What I didn't DO!!!
So I am going to give you all kinds of ideas on what to do and I thought the most important advice I can give you is What I Didn't Do!!
I never blamed God!
Now, I certainly and a lot of the times asked God WHY?!! But I never blamed him... I think by asking why we open ourselves up to so many lessons. I learned so much because I was sincerely wanted to know the answer.. But as God so often does, He teaches through lessons. He immediatly began to teach me! And maybe not the answer to Why came but certainly the answer to many other things came.
I am so grateful for this learning opportunity and I am so glad that I didn't blame him.. I could never turn my back on my Father in Heavena and He has never turned his on me!
This will be one of the biggest challenges but just trust me it is worth every tear and every bit of pain and heart ache!
Loves,
KJ
I never blamed God!
Now, I certainly and a lot of the times asked God WHY?!! But I never blamed him... I think by asking why we open ourselves up to so many lessons. I learned so much because I was sincerely wanted to know the answer.. But as God so often does, He teaches through lessons. He immediatly began to teach me! And maybe not the answer to Why came but certainly the answer to many other things came.
I am so grateful for this learning opportunity and I am so glad that I didn't blame him.. I could never turn my back on my Father in Heavena and He has never turned his on me!
This will be one of the biggest challenges but just trust me it is worth every tear and every bit of pain and heart ache!
Loves,
KJ
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
First Things First!!
Ok...
When this whole nightmare started back in March of 2010 I cried and cried and cried!! And that is ok! Next I leaned on the people I loved, who loved me and cried some more. The biggest lesson I learned through this was.. people who don't face divorce or this crisis don't have a clue as to what to do.. so 1)cut them some slack!! and 2)just tell them what you need!!
I found the hard way that the only thing I needed from my mom was to sit on the couch and let me vent and cry. I didn't need her advice (YET), I didn't need her to counsel me (YET!) I just needed her to stop and slow down for a minute and let me cry and let me be angry.. So if that is what you need TELL THEM!! Also if you don't know what you need... as alot of you will... then just say that.. "I DON'T KNOW!" and learn as you go.. if they start giving advice and it is putting a sour taste in your mouth.. then immediately tell them.. that is not working for you!!! But be loving and kind as well.. Again, if they have never been there, they don't know either!! Patience is a big lesson to be learned through all this.
Also what I did after I exhausted my close friends and family is I found someone objective! Through the grape vine I heard of an old family friend who had gone through this process... I decided to Facebook him and see if the rumors I heard were true!! (this is the LAST person on earth I would have expected to go through this!) Sure enough it was true and he was 3 yrs post D. So I asked if we could "talk"... little at the time did I realize his guidance and wisdom would be my anchor for the last several months and probably for years to come! He has been my rock!! And with his permission I will share some of the knowledge and wisdom he gave me. Now you may be asking yourself.. what is the importance of extending outside of my "family circle"? Well for me it did a couple of things: My family would always love and support me.. so I needed someone from the outside telling me I wasnt crazy, and also it gave me someone that I could share all the hurt and pain with, without getting my family involved. My family continue their love towards Keith was so important and I didn't wan them to know how much it was hurting me. Talking to D helped me release that without hurting those I needed here by my side!
So lets review: first cry and cry and cry if it what you want to do...
Then: lean on family and friends for support but be open and honest with your expectations.
Third: Try to find someone objective that will help you think clearly and allow for an outlet of courage! (you may even find that person to be me! Come on in!)
So what next right?? Well bare with me cuz I am only human and I am learning as we go too...
but I would say this.. Make a playlist... WHAT??? I hear you saying!! Yes... get on your computer and make a playlist! The radio will become depressing for a while and you don't need to cry everytime a sappy love song comes on.. So go ahead... make a hater list!! IM SERIOUS!! now if you don't know where to start I will hopefully this weekend get a playlist on here of a good beginning. Borrow it, tune in and listen..do what ever you have to do to avoid the pain of dumb radio for a bit! TRUST me especially if your "wedding song" is a popular one DONT ATTEMPT IT!!! I made the mistake a month or so ago to listen to lite 99.9 Dalila.. and she opened her program with "Making Memories of Us" (one guess as to what my wedding song was! :)) and WHAM!!! it was awful and painful and just down right a mess after that... ruined my whole evening from 7pm on!!!
Alright, I think that is enough for one night... can't over do it.. we will get to later steps and you will see why it is 9:30 and I need to go to bed!
Hope this helps you out and at least brought a sense of a smile to your face!
-KJ
When this whole nightmare started back in March of 2010 I cried and cried and cried!! And that is ok! Next I leaned on the people I loved, who loved me and cried some more. The biggest lesson I learned through this was.. people who don't face divorce or this crisis don't have a clue as to what to do.. so 1)cut them some slack!! and 2)just tell them what you need!!
I found the hard way that the only thing I needed from my mom was to sit on the couch and let me vent and cry. I didn't need her advice (YET), I didn't need her to counsel me (YET!) I just needed her to stop and slow down for a minute and let me cry and let me be angry.. So if that is what you need TELL THEM!! Also if you don't know what you need... as alot of you will... then just say that.. "I DON'T KNOW!" and learn as you go.. if they start giving advice and it is putting a sour taste in your mouth.. then immediately tell them.. that is not working for you!!! But be loving and kind as well.. Again, if they have never been there, they don't know either!! Patience is a big lesson to be learned through all this.
Also what I did after I exhausted my close friends and family is I found someone objective! Through the grape vine I heard of an old family friend who had gone through this process... I decided to Facebook him and see if the rumors I heard were true!! (this is the LAST person on earth I would have expected to go through this!) Sure enough it was true and he was 3 yrs post D. So I asked if we could "talk"... little at the time did I realize his guidance and wisdom would be my anchor for the last several months and probably for years to come! He has been my rock!! And with his permission I will share some of the knowledge and wisdom he gave me. Now you may be asking yourself.. what is the importance of extending outside of my "family circle"? Well for me it did a couple of things: My family would always love and support me.. so I needed someone from the outside telling me I wasnt crazy, and also it gave me someone that I could share all the hurt and pain with, without getting my family involved. My family continue their love towards Keith was so important and I didn't wan them to know how much it was hurting me. Talking to D helped me release that without hurting those I needed here by my side!
So lets review: first cry and cry and cry if it what you want to do...
Then: lean on family and friends for support but be open and honest with your expectations.
Third: Try to find someone objective that will help you think clearly and allow for an outlet of courage! (you may even find that person to be me! Come on in!)
So what next right?? Well bare with me cuz I am only human and I am learning as we go too...
but I would say this.. Make a playlist... WHAT??? I hear you saying!! Yes... get on your computer and make a playlist! The radio will become depressing for a while and you don't need to cry everytime a sappy love song comes on.. So go ahead... make a hater list!! IM SERIOUS!! now if you don't know where to start I will hopefully this weekend get a playlist on here of a good beginning. Borrow it, tune in and listen..do what ever you have to do to avoid the pain of dumb radio for a bit! TRUST me especially if your "wedding song" is a popular one DONT ATTEMPT IT!!! I made the mistake a month or so ago to listen to lite 99.9 Dalila.. and she opened her program with "Making Memories of Us" (one guess as to what my wedding song was! :)) and WHAM!!! it was awful and painful and just down right a mess after that... ruined my whole evening from 7pm on!!!
Alright, I think that is enough for one night... can't over do it.. we will get to later steps and you will see why it is 9:30 and I need to go to bed!
Hope this helps you out and at least brought a sense of a smile to your face!
-KJ
Getting to Know ME!!!
Ok.. i realize to understand this blog and follow it you need to A-know me!! and B-know about my situation/marriage/soon to be divorce... A I can do!! I will list here important things to know about me!!! I might add as i go but for the most part it is pretty darn me!! And B will take over the course of this blog to explain.. to tell everything that happened in 5 years is nearly impossible and to fully understand you will have to know other things.. But don't hesitate to ask questions either!!
OK so ME:
I AM:
*Strong willed
*love easily
*very forgiving
*stubborn
*Love being a military wife
*Hate change but loved moving and seeing the world
--- you will notice i am sometimes a walking contradiction!!---
*Befriend easily
*5'5 3/4" Height
*Weight... Going down Daily!!
*Have Asthma and Allergies since childhood
*have had my appendix removed, Tonsils, nasal surgery, endometriosis, and Bariatric Lap band
surgery. (all in the last 4 years!! Crazy i know.. but i think i am surgery free for a while
now!)
*I LOVE my Savior
*I LOVE the Book of Mormon
*I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LUKAS!!!
*I want 3 or 4 more kids
*I want to be a "soccer mom" (literally!!)
*I like country, pop, church and sometimes oldies music
*I like all kinds of movies
Favorite: Practical Magic
*Favorite Band: Shedaisy
*Favorite TV shows: One Tree Hill (my guilty pleasure), Army Wives, and Fringe
*I like Pastels and Neon colors
*Favorite Flower: Roses - Dark pink are my favorite but love all except yellow!
*Favorite colors: Pink, Purple and Green
*I like High Heels (when im thinner), flip flops or slippers in Hawaii, and white tennis shoes
*I like to lift weights/weight machines
*When I get insecure or angry i sleep with a baby blanket my mom made for me when my son
Lukas was born
*I like to sew, crochet, and do crafts of all sorts
*I decorate in 3's
*I like to hike and go to the beach
*I like to rock climb
*I change my hair all the time... i have been blonde, brown, red and black - i prefer
blonde or brown with blonde highlights! I will never do red or black again!
*I like soccer, football and baseball
*I Love to dance - ballet and lyrical
*I come from a large family - and I LOVE IT!!! (4 sisters, 2 brothers, 14 nieces and nephews
and counting!!)
*I am emotional and sensitive!
*I talk ALOT especially when i am nervous
*I am a student again and Wright State University
*I would like to attend Law school at BYU when i finish my undergrad..
OK so there it is.. feel free to ask me whatever your heart desires!! I am an open book... well except chapters 7, 18 and maybe 39!! :)
OK so ME:
I AM:
*Strong willed
*love easily
*very forgiving
*stubborn
*Love being a military wife
*Hate change but loved moving and seeing the world
--- you will notice i am sometimes a walking contradiction!!---
*Befriend easily
*5'5 3/4" Height
*Weight... Going down Daily!!
*Have Asthma and Allergies since childhood
*have had my appendix removed, Tonsils, nasal surgery, endometriosis, and Bariatric Lap band
surgery. (all in the last 4 years!! Crazy i know.. but i think i am surgery free for a while
now!)
*I LOVE my Savior
*I LOVE the Book of Mormon
*I ABSOLUTELY LOVE LUKAS!!!
*I want 3 or 4 more kids
*I want to be a "soccer mom" (literally!!)
*I like country, pop, church and sometimes oldies music
*I like all kinds of movies
Favorite: Practical Magic
*Favorite Band: Shedaisy
*Favorite TV shows: One Tree Hill (my guilty pleasure), Army Wives, and Fringe
*I like Pastels and Neon colors
*Favorite Flower: Roses - Dark pink are my favorite but love all except yellow!
*Favorite colors: Pink, Purple and Green
*I like High Heels (when im thinner), flip flops or slippers in Hawaii, and white tennis shoes
*I like to lift weights/weight machines
*When I get insecure or angry i sleep with a baby blanket my mom made for me when my son
Lukas was born
*I like to sew, crochet, and do crafts of all sorts
*I decorate in 3's
*I like to hike and go to the beach
*I like to rock climb
*I change my hair all the time... i have been blonde, brown, red and black - i prefer
blonde or brown with blonde highlights! I will never do red or black again!
*I like soccer, football and baseball
*I Love to dance - ballet and lyrical
*I come from a large family - and I LOVE IT!!! (4 sisters, 2 brothers, 14 nieces and nephews
and counting!!)
*I am emotional and sensitive!
*I talk ALOT especially when i am nervous
*I am a student again and Wright State University
*I would like to attend Law school at BYU when i finish my undergrad..
OK so there it is.. feel free to ask me whatever your heart desires!! I am an open book... well except chapters 7, 18 and maybe 39!! :)
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